Monday, August 5, 2013

First Stand-Up

I did my first ever stand-up routine last night. Several other comics were somewhat surprised it was my first time, and were kindly complimentary (mostly about my Japanese dick joke: "Have you ever seen a Japanese cock? It's all pixels!" I guess they were expecting the tired asians-have-small-cocks spiel). For the first half minute of my act, I could tell the room was thinking that I was most likely nuts. I started off talking about regrets, and how people should regret putting decals of Calvin pissing on a Ford or Chevy logo, since nowhere in Bill Watterson's Ĺ“uvre (pronounced with a french accent) is there any mention of one automobile manufacturer being better than another. "I don't like that," said I. What the fuck am I talking about?!

But I managed to break the ice and started getting a steady roll of laughter, especially after the pixel bit. My finale got screwed up because Brian flashing the light in my face distracted me. I suddenly felt like I had to get off immediately, and after rushing though "and before you know it we're blowing each other" I just hung the mic up and walked off abruptly. Oh well. It was fun.

Another highlight was the biggest douche in the world doing sound effects. He started off by ham-handedly comparing a woman's hair to a giant dump, complete with loud shitting noise. Some other great moments: "wika wika wika wika wika wika! That's a helicopter! Beeeeeoooooooooeeeeeeeooooooo! And when you hear that shit, you better get in the basement because that means a tornado is coming!" "22 year old girls tits sound like this: (clown horn sound). Old saggy lady tits sound like this: (nothing). That's cuz that flat chested bitch ain't got no tits!" "Blacks! I ain't racist!" He kept insisting that "it's jokes, people." The most offensive thing he said was that he's a comedian, quipped another performer.