Gaieté

Some times I feel real down. Yet when I think of the stars, I feel joyful.  I imagine this feeling might be similar to the way religious folk do sometimes.  My god is a gay god, in the strictest sense of the word.

I feel myself slipping into a sort of archetypical priest or shaman persona.  I can't be bothered by worldly contrivances.  I prefer to look at the moon - really examine it - and try to feel its gravitational pull.  I unabashedly worship the sun - the giver of all life as we know it.  That wonderful miasma of plasma has allowed a thin film of goo to form on the surface of a large rock.

My ex didn't like thinking about all this.  Space scared her. The evolution of man (my specialty) bored her.  No wonder it didn't work out!  Just thinking about the immensity of the galaxy was perturbing to her.  I agree that it's a strange feeling, but it always was a positive one for me oddly enough.  I'm somehow comforted by the appalling, suffocating insignificance of me.

But not enjoying the understanding of human evolution is something I will never understand.  These are the questions we all want answered!  Who am I, and why am I?  I admit we answer these questions poorly and only provisionally, but we do our damnedest!  Damnedest?

That reminds me that I was going to try to remove any language related to religion or superstition from my vocabulary.  Damnation is impossible, and is a sloppy approximation for what I'm trying to say.  There are no gods damning anyone.  No need to yell Jesus Christ!  Blasphemy is wrong on all counts.  Nothing is a "sin." Nobody is "blessed."  All of these references are obfuscating and baloney.

I know it can be taken too far.  I know language is ever evolving, and meanings are meaningful no matter where they originate.  But language is powerful, and I believe not using certain stupid words can help us psychically.  I think a good analogy is my use of the word "gay" in highschool.  Throughout my life I was never against homosexuality, yet for an embarrassing amount of time in my formative years, "gay" was the go-to word to mean anything negative.  You're gay, that's gay, this's gay, school's gay, we're all gay.  Part of me still wants to defend the use of the word... getting so upset about it would be pretty gay, right? But another part wants to banish the word forever.  A meaning borne out of an idiotic intolerance of a sexual lifestyle has no merit in my eyes.  If it could simply go back to where it was before then I would be, well, gay.