There is something quite alluring about the zeal of so-called Second Amendment enthusiasts. They are noble defenders of the peace, quietly enforcing politeness and rectitude through the unspoken threat of mortal violence if person or property are violated. They might even claim to be capable of repelling government overstep, as if their pea-shooters could stymie the order of a drone-strike. They claim that weapons of war are a citizen's birthright. Maybe they should investigate getting a hellfire missile permit.

Look, I think hunting rifles are fine. I think shotguns are fine. Hell, I even think it's not the end of the world if people have revolvers and semi-automatic pistols. The latter are very, very dangerous, and the stats show that they are most likely to be used for the purpose of self-termination (which I find sad, but hey, that's the individual's choice). But high-powered assault weapons with large magazines that were designed explicitly for killing large amounts of people in a short amount of time?

I wish y'all would just join those well-regulated militias if you love the second amendment so much. Who are you benefiting, if not the gun manufacturers? I know you won't believe me, but believe me: a heavily armed society only leads to more needless death. It doesn't prevent it. Their thinking belies a typically American fantasy that they don't live in a civilized society. We still believe in cowboys, even though for the vast majority of the population, the reality is that we live in cities that are absolutely governed by the rule of law.

Woman denies trying to hide Syria rebel cash in underwear http://gu.com/p/4vd9m

Spacelog.org

The Lunar Module seen from the Command Module of Apollo 11.

If you have an even faint interest in the history of space exploration, you will probably lose a few hours at http://spacelog.org/ where several searchable transcripts of famous space flights can be found.  At the moment eight flights are available, with more to come.  I first went for Apollo 13, but then I quickly switched to Mercury 3, the first American manned mission to space (the first manned mission, Vostok 1, is also available, but only in Russian.) 

It's all very technical, but even if I don't understand most of what's going on, it's fun to feel like I'm reliving some of those heart-stopping moments.  Like landing on the moon.  Forty-five years ago, three guys went to the moon.  Well, actually only two of them made it to the surface, the third, Michael Collins, stayed in the Command Module that remained in orbit around the Moon.  He was vital to the mission, but man, I would've felt a tad jealous if I were him.

http://spacelog.org/

Dignité, égalité, et absurdité

Two recent stories out of France have reminded me just how grand it is to live in the land of the free, at least when it comes to heaping vitriol upon others with impunity.  These two stories ought to shock most of my compatriots, since the supremacy of the First Amendment is so ingrained in our legal tradition that even most leftists understand why the ACLU defended the right of KKK members to express themselves in public.  As Voltaire never said, "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."

The first news item stems from an image posted on the Facebook page of an ex-extreme-right candidate named Anne-Sophie Leclère, which seems to imply that the Justice Minister, Christian Taubira, was very cute indeed when she was 18 months old:

Well, this poorly constructed photo-montage incited quite a fuss, especially because of what happened next: Leclère was sued, sentenced 9 months in prison, and fined €50,000 ($67,529).  Her political party (the Front National, or FN) was also fined €30,000, even though it disapproved of the image at the time, and even excluded her from the party.  (In recent years the FN has been trying to revamp the hard fascist/racist image left behind by James Bond villain and party-founder Jean-Marie Le Pen, and has clamped down on any overt racism.)  Leclère will appeal the decision. 

Emilio Largo from Thunderball, left, and Jean-Marie Le Pen, right.

  This reminds me of the Sarkozy Voodoo Doll incident, in which the President of France took legal action against the company producing the dolls.  In the end the dolls were re-released on the market, but were required to wear a warning on the box, which I will translate for your enjoyment:

 JUDICIAL INJUNCTION
It has been judged that inciting the reader to poke the doll herein with the provided needles, an action that carries the underlying idea of physical harm, however symbolic, constitutes an insult to the dignity of Mr. Sarkozy.

You can't make that shit up.

 In contrast, the US has a long and fine tradition of likening our political elites to other primates, and entire industries have been spawned to allow us to crush George W. Bush's head on a stress ball, beat the crap out of his likeness on a punching bag, and wipe his face on our asses with novelty toilet paper.

The next story is really incredible though.  A blogger named Caroline Doudet panned a restaurant, citing poor service.  The restaurant owner sued the blogger.  The judge fined the blogger $3,400, in part, she explained, because the blog was ranked highly by Google, and was thus damaging to the restaurant.  The End.

While this story is getting quite a bit of play in the English language press, all I could find in French were a few grouchy blog posts.  If the French think that such a judgement is business-as-usual, or isn't newsworthy, the state of affairs in France is worse than I imagined.

I know that there have been abusive lawsuits against sites like Yelp, but picking out a single blogger because she said that the service was horrible?  Amazing.  More details from wapo.

A Capricious Unibrow Story

When I was a young teen I remember listening to a particularly irritating story being told by my Italian-american grandmother in her Chevrolet Caprice.  "I used to have eyebrows just like you when I was young," she warbled.  "They grew right to the middle.  So I plucked them."

I remember hating her right then and there, not only for bringing up such an embarrassing subject for me, but also for being genetically responsible for the trait that got me harassed at school.¹  I fought my nausea and feigned interest: "So what happened?" 

"It just stopped growing back as I got older," she squinted back at me, through the rear view mirror.

---

1 I had always wondered why I had a unibrow while nobody else in my family did. It turns out they were all just assiduous pluckers.

Self medicate!

I was all excited and stressed out this morning because I had an appointment with a mental health professional: someone to whom I could say anything, and from whom I could hopefully get some intelligent advice (and/or drugs). 

Well I took the packed Division bus downtown and found the Water's Building in the arctic face-burning wind only to find out that Dr. Fuller does not participate in the Blue Care Network, but in Blue Cross Blue Shield (I thought they were the same... the logos are identical.), and would I want to pay 185 dollars?  Eventually they said I could get a session with Dr. Vanderbeck at 4pm, and I agreed.  I sat down and picked up a National Geographic, but then I realized I should do some research on this Vanderbeck character, if that is his real name.  My worst fears were realized... Hope College... Christian Camp bladibla... specializes in sexual abuse.  Cancel'd!

So I went back into the cold.  I passed the arena which is surrounded by WWE coaches, and dozens of semis filled with equipment.  I saw the Hopcat Bar, and, determined to get therapy of any kind, went in.

It's A Real Big City

I don't know why I never published this:

I'm finally getting that "real" big city experience that I'd been so idealistically pining for all these years.  No, New York didn't count.  New York is too nice these days.  But the moment I step out of my apartment in Marseille, I get the real deal - the trash, the stink, the drooling drunks and the hollering insane people.  Walking down the street can be a chore.  "Non!  Je ne veux PA-PA-PA-PA-PAAAS!" screamed a woman in my face a propos of nothing.  I ducked away to be accosted by two gypsy girls who grabbed my arm and demanded coin.

A stroll through town is actually a dance around sleeping hobos, panhandlers, illegally parked cars, slowly waddling wide-assed old ladies, and dog shit.  Slick-haired 20 year-olds obstruct the sidewalk like Algerian James Deans.  Your presence cannot break their far away gazes.  Crossing the street is not for the inattentive.  Expect the unexpected from the diesel death-machines since they've just been stuck in a traffic jam for an hour, so when they find open road, they go for it with gusto.  After an hour outside, my nerves are jangled, my eyes burn, and my nose and lungs are insulted.

These people are nuts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mozYoPICQJE 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Fs0hkdJzk8 

 Holy shit.

http://www.instructables.com/id/Orange-Candle/?ALLSTEPS http://www.naturalcuresnotmedicine.com/2013/11/heat-your-room-for-15-cents-day.html ???

Deli-cious tears

A homely midwestern couple approached, she a confused regard attached to a tear shaped body, him a taciturn lump. From behind the deli counter I exclaim my usual "Hello!"

"So here's the thing," she says, mercifully disposing with any pleasantries, "we went to Italy not long ago..."

"Oh that's wonderful!" I say.

"Yeah, well, when we were about to leave, everybody else was stuffing their bags full of Eye-talian food... sausages and cheese, you know... but I said to myself, why should I waste all that space in my baggage when I can get good Eye-talian food at Russo's?"

"Uh, ahem, well, yes..." I'm afraid I did a poor job of masking my shock/incredulity.

"So I'm lookin' to get some Eye-talian salami from Idilly that I can give to my daughter."

"That's going to be a problem." I'm not going to lie for what they pay me. Russo's carries no imported salami, only the American, nitrate-filled kind. Probably because of regulations. Also, no one in Grand Rapids is going to care.

Honestly the closest thing we have to European-style dried sausage comes from San Fransisco. It's pretty good, but for the sake of fuck, it has nothing to do with what you could get in Italy, you dumb cow!

It was painful. Russo's has a few good Italian cheeses albeit, and the imported prosciutto di Parma is nothing to sneeze at, but... how can you... what the... ugh!

"I guess we should've stuffed our bags with food too," she summarized, after my pained explanations.

"Well," I said, "what's done is done. Next time."

Heart

I feel sick

Shortly after getting up I told my Mom, "Ugh, I feel sick." She responded, "Oh, well I AM sick, I don't just 'feel sick.'" I think I quickly muttered something like, "Well usually being sick is the root cause of feeling sick," and slinked back upstairs. Ten minutes later I realized how fucked it is that she would respond to me saying "I feel sick," like that. Is it lack of empathy, one-upsmanship, or distrust of my word? Or a combination?

I think Allia is a good name. I love onions. They're sweet, they're strong, they give great flavor to everything. And they are multilayered....

Dumb dumb

I just saw this image on the blog I love to hate, Boing Boing.

It reminded me of how putting things in to rubrics does not guarantee a refining of understanding, nor does it necessarily add any value. While it's possible that this simple double-dichotomy reflects the way people think about themselves, it does not describe any deep epistemological divide, or explain anything really.

But most irritatingly, on the face of it this cartoon seems to be criticizing 'gnostic' versions of theism or atheism, making them equally ridiculous. But what is more absurd, asserting that something that has no evidence exists, or that it doesn't exist? The standard argumentum ad absurdum (sorry to bore you) says that I know that God does not exist the same way I know that Leprechauns don't exist, or that a magical tea-pot is not orbiting the Sun near Jupiter, or that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is not real. I know that all these are not real for the same reason - not a single shred of evidence has been given to even marginally imply that they do.

But this is the way all human knowledge is based. I know that the sun will rise in the east and not the west. This is a gnostic belief. A scientific assertion. But like all scientific assertions, it will be quickly repealed or ammended in the face of new facts. The sun rising analogy is a proper one. Just as there has never, ever, ever, been any reason to think that the Sun will not appear to rise in the east, there has never, ever, ever, been any reason to think that a supernatural deity is governing the affairs of the universe.

What does it really matter if you say "I believe that that sun will rise in the east, but it could end up rising in the west for all I know." Of course, in any understanding of the world, new information could upset the status quo. You "know" what you think you know right now, and of course it could (and most certainly will) change, sooner than you think. That's what's important to realise.

First Stand-Up

I did my first ever stand-up routine last night. Several other comics were somewhat surprised it was my first time, and were kindly complimentary (mostly about my Japanese dick joke: "Have you ever seen a Japanese cock? It's all pixels!" I guess they were expecting the tired asians-have-small-cocks spiel). For the first half minute of my act, I could tell the room was thinking that I was most likely nuts. I started off talking about regrets, and how people should regret putting decals of Calvin pissing on a Ford or Chevy logo, since nowhere in Bill Watterson's œuvre (pronounced with a french accent) is there any mention of one automobile manufacturer being better than another. "I don't like that," said I. What the fuck am I talking about?!

But I managed to break the ice and started getting a steady roll of laughter, especially after the pixel bit. My finale got screwed up because Brian flashing the light in my face distracted me. I suddenly felt like I had to get off immediately, and after rushing though "and before you know it we're blowing each other" I just hung the mic up and walked off abruptly. Oh well. It was fun.

Another highlight was the biggest douche in the world doing sound effects. He started off by ham-handedly comparing a woman's hair to a giant dump, complete with loud shitting noise. Some other great moments: "wika wika wika wika wika wika! That's a helicopter! Beeeeeoooooooooeeeeeeeooooooo! And when you hear that shit, you better get in the basement because that means a tornado is coming!" "22 year old girls tits sound like this: (clown horn sound). Old saggy lady tits sound like this: (nothing). That's cuz that flat chested bitch ain't got no tits!" "Blacks! I ain't racist!" He kept insisting that "it's jokes, people." The most offensive thing he said was that he's a comedian, quipped another performer.
 

How to make an Uncle Martarita

2 parts Tequila
2 parts Rose's Triple Sec (or DeKuyper's)
1 part Rose's Sweetened Lime Juice

Add ice, blend, drink, repeat.

According to Uncle Paul, the right amount to drink is "all of it."

Accept my apology

Quartre Expressions Françaises

À bon chat, bon rat.
  
L'appetit vient en mangeant.

À beau mentir qui vient de loin.

L'air ne fait pas la chanson.

Yes this really just happened.

On my street everyone parks on the sidewalk, and as a pedestrian one is often obliged to walk in the street.  So I was walking down the street when a huge truck turned the corner and started towards me.  I just assumed that he would slow down or stop to let me get to a portion of the sidewalk not packed with bumper-to-bumper cars, but I was wrong.  I had to use my hand to snap closed his giant side mirror to prevent it from clocking me.  That angered him, he stopped, ran towards me, yelled a bunch of bullshit, and slapped me.  A passer-by intervened to stop the fight.  I laughed all the way home.

NO! JUST SKIP ANYTHING WRITTEN BY THIS ASSHOLE!

A GVSU psychology professor friend just posted this on Facebook:

"I enjoyed reading this." 

That's right... Blowing A Whistle... by Thomas Friedman.  My heart immediately sunk.  Here's what I wanted to reply:

"I didn't. 

Friedman sets up the usual tiresome dichotomy of "less Government power" OR "more 9/11's." Then he adds some tortuous logic: IF you get too worried about your civil liberties THEN you shouldn't be surprised when another 9/11 happens AND another 9/11 would make Thomas Friedman sad since another 9/11 would inevitibly lead to even fewer civil liberties.

Did I mention 9/11?

He writes that "we don’t live in a world any longer where our government can protect its citizens from real, not imagined, threats without using big data."

Citation needed.  No professional terrorist is dumb enough to hatch a plot on Facebook.  They use courriers who need to be tracked by men on the ground, not by a digital Panopticon.

And PRISM clearly failed to prevent Baby's First Bombing in Boston, probably because one can carry out such an attack without picking up a phone, or logging on to the internet, just as terrorists have been doing all this time before the Internet existed. 

So we're being asked to shrug and go about our business, and just trust the government and all future administrations to do right thing, and never abuse for political reasons its practically unfettered ability to collect and store the personal information of everyone (well, only people who have a phone or use the internet).

By the way, anyone with clear eyes would see that this is a blatant violation of the Fourth Amendment, but hey, that's just the Constitution talking.
 
All this because we have to live in fear for the rest of our lives that evildoers are lurking around the corner. We don't know why they want to hurt us, but they do.  And that's all I need to know.

So go on, spend billions on the gigantic data centers needed to house all of this data. Pay contractors like Snowden $200,000 a year to sit at a desk and determine if you're more than 51 percent foreign.

Remember, you can’t have 100% security and also then have 100% privacy and zero inconvenience!  And since 100% security is an attainable, realistic, and necessary goal, go right ahead! Hey, I wasn't using my privacy anyways."

I'm going to wait until I get home to talk to her about it in person.